It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
