I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
