So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
