She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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