Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
