Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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