Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
