is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
