I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
