Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize