I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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