hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
