So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Randomize
