shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
