I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
