The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
