he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
