The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
