Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I won the penis lottery.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
