I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
