walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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