I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
