I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
