ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
