someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
