Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
