I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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