i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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