im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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