You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think your dad took our porno
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My feet surprised me
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