Only a mothe r could love this liver
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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