Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
