I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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