Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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