I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
