evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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