i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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