So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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