Your mouth is God's brothel.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
