He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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