Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
