It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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