Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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