why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
