I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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