im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
