you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
