Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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