When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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