When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
