Even water is tasting like jack daniels
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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