He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
