I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
