i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
worst night to have a conscience
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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