turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
