At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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