What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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