I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
