He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
