I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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