____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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