dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
FUCK WHALES
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
