I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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