Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
