1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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