Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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