Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
