the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
