Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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