i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
