You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The struggles of a small town man whore
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
