she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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