I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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